


Brain Full of Steel Wool, Blood Full of Ants

by Cipher_Is_My_Waifu



Category: Camp Camp (Web Series)
Genre: Bipolar Disorder, Gen, Sickfic, Suicidal Ideation, Suicidal Thoughts, bipolar david, of a sort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-28
Updated: 2019-03-28
Packaged: 2019-12-25 15:44:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18264404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cipher_Is_My_Waifu/pseuds/Cipher_Is_My_Waifu
Summary: Three weeks into June, David’s medication run out, and he decides to try and just power through the summer through sheer force of will. It doesn’t work.-----Why do we always think we can go without our meds, when we so obviously can’t?





	Brain Full of Steel Wool, Blood Full of Ants

**Author's Note:**

> Skipped my pills a couple times this week, and been a little up-and-down as a result. So of course I have to take it out on one of my favorite characters, haha.
> 
> But seriously. Take your meds, kids.

It was the third week of June when David’s pill bottle ran dry.

That was no big deal, though; he had an extra two bottles packed away in his toiletries for just this situation! He’d explained to his doctor and pharmacist that he would be out of town for three months, and after a brief back-and-forth with his insurance company, two early refills were approved and carefully tucked away for the summer.

Except when he went looking for them, there were no bottles in his toiletries. David just about tore the counselor’s cabin apart trying to find them before accepting that they must have been left, forgotten, on his bathroom counter back home.

Which was a three-hour bus ride away.

A hundred-dollar one way, three-hour bus ride away.

So he rationalized it. Sure, the pills were important, but it wasn’t like he would _die_ without them. He’d be fine for a couple months! He’d just have to fight through what his mom liked to call his ‘little moodies’. He would be _fine_.

( _The memory of sticky slippers on his feet, cold white hospital walls, his parents filled with an unpleasant mix of worry and embarrassment to be seen with him, whispered that no, he wouldn’t, but he ignored that._ )

And he was! At first. He had a couple days of feeling a little clumsier than usual as his body adjusted to the medication being out of his system for the first time in almost two years, but after that, it was surprisingly smooth sailing for almost a full week.

But then Parents’ Day happened. David started the day with a slightly fuzzy feeling in the back of his head, like someone was rubbing steel wool against his brain, and just the slightest hint of a temper. That wasn’t _too_ big of a deal, though; all he had to do was make himself focus on work, and be careful not to snap at the campers. ( _Did a great job of that, getting short with Nikki just for mixing the day up with Christmas_.) When Mr. Campbell turned up, insisting that Parents’ Day was actually a terrible idea that would likely get the whole camp shut down, David felt just awful for putting everyone’s summer in jeopardy. He was only barely able to distract himself playing happy-little-family with Gwen and Max.

And sure, Max wasn’t too happy about it, but when was he happy about anything, really? ( _That was a mean thought, David; what on earth is wrong with you!_ ) If David’s parents had been invited and then so very very late to a camp get-together, David probably wouldn’t have been particularly excited, either.

Max spent the entire day working David’s every nerve, and he quickly found himself running out of nerves to be worked, but he was very proud of how well he kept his irritation under wraps. He even managed to only show a little of how pee’d off he was about Max’s treatment of poor Space Kid! And then Buzz Aldrin punched him in the face. Surprisingly hard. Which just helped his foul mood _so_ much.

When lunchtime came around, David thought maybe some chocolate would help, so he brought three large slices of cake over for his little family group. Which Max promptly threw at Neil’s father. So he let a little steam off berating the boy for it, which just made him feel like _such_ a good person.

And then poor Jermy’s parents entered the mess hall, and he and Gwen had to admit that they had lost a child in a bet. Which made him feel even _better_ , seeing as it was all his fault that they’d lost the bet in the first place.

After that, they all went out to see demonstrations of the kids’ camp activities, and Mr. Campbell impressed upon David how important it was that it all went well. That wasn’t at _all_ another stressor on top of the whole day, and David spent the majority of the show arguing with Max about the importance of putting on his own routine. When Gwen finally came back with the boy’s paperwork, David was _so_ relieved to finally be able to get on with the show.

But of course, Max didn’t _want_ to. He insisted that the whole thing was stupid, and that he simply didn’t want to do it. And that was just the final straw. David saw red, and he finally snapped at the poor kid. Gwen handed him Max’s paperwork, but David just kept going, until he looked at the folder and saw…

Nothing. Max’s parents hadn’t bothered to sign their son up for _anything_. And now that David wasn’t feeling anger anymore, he didn’t seem to feel much of anything at all. Gwen quickly ushered the three of them off the stage and into the camp vehicle, driving them into Sleepy Peaks for dinner. He sat quietly at the table, getting introspective in just the worst ways, and only saying anything when Max asked if he was okay. He couldn’t bring himself to lie and pretend he was, so he didn’t, and when they were done eating, they drove back to camp, and David went to bed, hoping he’d feel better in the morning.

He didn’t. The next day, David was woken up well into the morning by Gwen, staring down at him worriedly. “You feeling okay, David?” she asked, reaching to touch his forehead. “You wouldn’t get up for breakfast.”

David blinked warily. He hesitated, thinking before answering. _Did_ he feel okay? Physically, yeah, sure. He didn’t feel sick, anyway. Maybe a little bit of a headache, but mostly...he didn’t feel anything, really. Had he since he had snapped at Max the night before? He couldn’t remember. Gwen was still waiting on an answer, he suddenly realized, and she just looked even more concerned that he’d been quiet for so long. How long had she been standing there, anyway? “Headache,” he finally muttered, burrowing into his blanket a little. “C'n you do morning activities?”

“I already did,” Gwen answered, nervously wringing her hands together. “It’s almost time for lunch.”

Oh boy. So it was going to be one of _those_ days. David groaned quietly, and Gwen glanced at the window, undoubtedly looking at some spying campers. The kids were probably worried about him, and he knew he was letting them down by moping around like this, but he just couldn’t find anything close to the energy needed to drag himself out of bed.

“Well, as long as you aren’t, like, dying, I should be all right with the kids for a day,” Gwen said after it became clear David wasn’t going to say anything. “Want me to bring you a sandwich or something? You missed breakfast, and you barely touched your pizza last night.”

David shook his head, deciding to try playing up the whole ‘sick’ thing. The thought of food did seem to make his stomach roil. “My stomach hurts. Maybe I’ll have some dinner, later.”

Gwen frowned, and for a minute, David didn’t think she was gonna buy it, but she nodded and patted him on the shoulder. “All right. Get some rest, then; I’ll check back in a couple hours.”

As she opened the door to the cabin and stepped out, David caught sight of Max, peering around the counselor and clearly trying to get a look at him.

“Is David okay?” he heard Nerris ask, the worry clear in her voice.

“He’ll be fine,” Gwen answered as the door closed behind her. “He just has a stomachache or something.”

The cabin door shut with a click, and David was left alone. He just laid there for a time, staring at the door in silence. He really knew it would be for the best if he got out of bed. It never helped to just lay around sulking, and it never made him feel any better, but it had been so long since he’d felt like this, David found he just couldn’t remember any of his old coping habits for the bad days.

Any of them other than just laying around and wishing he didn’t exist, anyway.

Before he knew it, the door was slowly creaking open. David blinked, glancing at the alarm clock he kept on his side of the dresser. Apparently he’d been laying there for a good five hours, already. Time sure flies when you’re miserably depressed! Who’d have thought?

“Sorry it took me so long; Max has been trying to sell pebbles to Space Kid all day. Keeps telling him they’re moon rocks. You feeling any better?” Gwen asked quietly, crossing the room in a few short steps. She was carrying a tray with a small bowl of what smelled like soup, and she set it down next to the clock. “You don’t look like you’ve even _moved_ since I left.” She reached out to touch his forehead again.

“Not really,” David murmured, closing his eyes with a quiet sigh. “Thanks for checking up on me.”

“Hey, what kind of friend would I be if I didn’t? You clearly feel like shit; bringing you some microwave soup is the least I can do,” she replied, sitting down on the corner of his bed.

David teared up a little at that. Clearly Gwen was just trying to make him feel better. She made it pretty clear on a regular basis that he drove her absolutely bonkers; she just didn’t want him to die or something and leave her alone with the kids for the rest of the summer.

Gwen rolled her eyes with a half-grin. “No need for the waterworks, David; it’s just soup,” she said, clearly misinterpreting his watery eyes. “Dinner’s almost over, so I need to get back to the kids. Think we’re just gonna do a campfire or something tonight; something nice and _hopefully_ quiet. Eat the soup; it’ll help. Quartermaster managed to find a can of chicken noodle for you.” She stood up, rubbing his shoulder gently. “You’ll feel better in the morning.”

Of course, he didn’t feel better in the morning. If anything, he somehow managed to feel even worse. Eating nothing but half a bowl of soup in the past twenty-four hours had done a number on his stomach, and he actually did feel sick, now. It made lying to Gwen in order to get another day in bed a lot easier, too. She even brought him the rest of the soup around lunchtime, and he managed to force down almost the entire bowl, this time. By the time Gwen made it back to the cabin after sending all the campers to bed, she was tired enough that she barely checked in on him before collapsing, fully-dressed, onto her own bed.

The next several days were a blurry repeat of each other, to the point that David didn’t even know what day it was anymore. Sleep until lunch, lie to Gwen, choke down some soup, sleep until she came back and dropped into bed, and sleep some more; all interspersed with thoughts of how easy it would be to find one of Mr. Campbell’s pitfall traps to jump into, or fall out of a tree and break his neck, or just go drown himself in the lake, if he only had the energy to get out of bed.

Finally, Gwen seemed to have had enough one morning, and she shook him awake earlier than she had been the last few days. “David. Come _oooon_. I need you to come back and help me,” she practically begged, pulling his blanket away. “Are you seriously still sick?” David groaned at the morning light spilling through the window, hitting him straight in the eye. Gwen bent over, face uncomfortably close to his, and frowned. “Do you need to go to the hospital, or something? I haven’t seen you leave this bed for a week. Have you even used the bathroom?”

He blinked slowly. “No...no hospital,” he said, surprisingly firmly. He’d had enough of that in college, thank you very much. “I...am feeling better, a little.” Which was true. He wasn’t full of nothing anymore, at least. Now he could feel a little simmer of emotion, although he couldn’t quite place what it was that he was feeling just yet. “Maybe just one more day?”

Gwen sighed, tipping her head back and pulling at her hair a little. “Fine, David. But if you don’t get up tomorrow, I swear to _God_ , I’m going to leave the little shits with the Quartermaster and _drag_ you to the hospital if I have to.” She left the cabin in a bit of a huff, closing the door with something halfway to a slam. David flinched slightly at the sound before silently berating himself for being such a useless lump for so long. He knew he had to pull himself together sooner or later, and he burrowed back under his blanket to try and go back to sleep, hoping it would be sooner.

As it turned out, sooner came at 4:17 the following morning.

David’s eyes snapped open, and he laid in the dark for a moment before recognizing the familiar feeling of static running through his thoughts, like someone had stuck a live wire directly into his brain. He looked across the room at Gwen. Poor, poor Gwen, who had worked _so_ hard this week while he laid around like a doorstop, and was clearly so very very tired, to have again passed out fully dressed. Climbing out of bed as quietly as he could, he stretched, feeling all his joints popping one-two-three, and looked around his side of the cabin.

It was such a dreary, depressing mess to look at, and David just _had_ to do something about it, and he had to do it _now_. Starting with the sweaty mess that he had been calling a bed, he quietly ( _quietly quietly, don’t wake up Gwen, she needs her rest!_ ) pulled his blanket to the floor, followed closely by pillow and sheet. Once everything was on the floor, he lifted the sheet back up and started to shake it out. As he shook it, he caught a whiff of something truly _awful_. Sniffing the air, he followed the stench back to himself, and realized with a start that he hadn’t showered in over a week now! That just wouldn’t do at _all_ , he decided, dropping the sheet back into the pile of bedding on the floor. He pulled a fresh set of clothes from the dresser and left the drawers hanging half open, making his way out of the cabin and over to the showers.

Some ten minutes later, David was clean again, and most of the shampoo was rinsed from his hair. That was acceptable, he decided, and he went back to his cabin to drop his filthy garments off in his hamper. Catching sight of Gwen still snoozing away, he was struck with a sudden idea. He could take the campers on a sunrise hike for breakfast, and let Gwen sleep in! It would help make up for how useless he’d been lately, and she would appreciate the extra rest _so_ much. Pulling out his phone, he dropped his clothes on the floor and started hunting for a piece of paper and a pen by the light from the device’s little screen, only losing ten minutes to picking at the pine tree sticker on the back of it. Once he had found what he needed, he quickly scrawled out a message explaining the plan for Gwen, should she wake up before they came back from the hike, and took off for the mess hall. He had some breakfasts to pack.

Around 5:30, David had finished putting together enough food to feed a small army of campers and packed it all into a comically large backpack, depositing it by the mess hall door and heading for the kids’ tents. He woke them, group by group, and got them all herded up and out into the woods with...probably a little less explanation than they were warranted, but he could explain along the way! All they had to do was reach Sleepy Peak before the sun reached its apex in the sky, and then they’d have _such_ a memorable breakfast!

“And why couldn’t we watch the sunrise from camp?” Max grumbled sleepily, clearly the least awake of the group, at least judging from his half-lidded eyes and lack of colorful language.

“Oh, Max,” David chuckled. “Max Max Max, the view from Sleepy Peak is just beautiful! It’s, it’s superb, stupendous, _sublime_! You’ll see what I mean when we get there!”

“Why isn’t Gwen coming with us?” Preston asked, glancing back at the camp as it faded from view behind them.

“Where have you been all week?” Harrison questioned.

“Why are you walking so fast? Mein tiny legs cannot keep up!” Dolph cried.

David stopped just long enough to scoop Dolph up onto his shoulders before continuing up the trail. “I’ve been a bit out of sorts this week, but now that I’m feeling like myself again, I thought it would be nice to give Gwen a bit of a break this morning! She’s done _such_ a good job keeping up with you kids all by herself, and when I thought of a sunrise hike, why I just _had_ to get going right away, away, away!”

Max quirked an eyebrow at that, turning to Neil. “So David seems even more David-y than normal today. Think he’s finally lost it?”

Neil’s response was an unintelligible, half-asleep grumble. Nikki gave Max a surprisingly awake and alert look. “Lost what? Should we help him find it?” Max just groaned in response.

Nearly two hours later, the sun was fully risen and Sleepy Peak was still a good ways off. Odd, David thought, he’d been sure they would have reached their destination by now! Maybe he'd underestimated how long it would take to get there? Oh well. They couldn’t be _too_ far now, and when they finally arrived, the kids would be so grateful to finally settle in and eat the delicious breakfast waiting in his...in his…

David stopped suddenly, realizing he’d forgotten something important, and spun on one heel to face the campers, as they stumbled into one another at the unexpected halt. “You kids won’t believe this!” he laughed, shifting Dolph from one shoulder to the other. “I left our breakfast back by the mess hall!”

A collective groan emanated from the group, along with a few choice swears from Max, and the group turned back to where they’d come from.

By the time David and the campers finally made their way back to Camp Campbell’s camp campgrounds, it was pushing ten-thirty, and the kids were complaining almost nonstop. As they finally neared the mess hall, David saw Gwen sitting on a log, head in her hands and staring blankly at the ground. She looked up when she heard their approach, leaping to her feet and marching towards them. “Where the _hell_ have you been?!” she yelled as she reached David.

David blinked in surprise, lowering Dolph to the ground. “Didn’t you find my note? I took the kids on a hike; thought I’d give you the day off! I’m feeling much much much better today, and I just felt so sorry for making you do all the work all by yourself for so long, it seemed like such a good idea, but I forgot to bring our breakfast along, so we had to come back early!”

Gwen slowly blinked. “How about...we try that again, at like, half speed.”

“He said he’s being even more of an idiot than usual, and he dragged us all out of bed and halfway up Sleepy Peak at six in the damn morning, just to turn around before we even _got_ there because he left the fucking food behind!” Max hollered, throwing his arms into the air.

Gwen sighed, pressing her fingers into her forehead. “Is _that_ why I found a backpack full of peanut butter sandwiches outside? Which, I’ll remind you, Space Kid is allergic to? And what the hell is this note, David?” she asked, holding up a piece of paper reading

_Gwen  
Tak the day off, were going ona hike see you laterr_

in barely-legible script.

David tapped his fingers together nervously, tap-tap-tap-tap-tap. His foot was starting to jitter, too, and suddenly he felt very bad indeed. Had he not thought this through enough? Had he messed up again, after messing up for so long in a row? He didn’t think he could handle that, it was too much all at once all too suddenly.

“The hell is up with you, man?” Max barked, jamming his fists into his hoodie pocket. “We barely see you for over a week, and then when you do finally show up, you pull this weird shit? What _are_ you, on drugs or something?!”

Something inside of David pulled very tightly very very quickly at that question, ( _Max thinks he’s high, high as a kite in the sky on smack, but it’s not drugs, it’s **bugs** , ants running wild through his thoughts and blood_) and suddenly he felt a giggle rising up in his throat. He tried _very_ hard to contain it, but it just kept rising until it escaped his mouth with a snort. He chuckled several times, and thought maybe he’d still be able to stop, but then he saw the disbelieving look Gwen was shooting him, and suddenly he was pulled into an absolute _fit_ of hysterical, bent over, uncontrollable laughter.

“What the _fuck_ ,” Max yelled, looking from one counselor to the other. Nerris and Harrison nervously huddled near each other, looking from one another to David. Dolph’s lip quivered, and he stepped behind Ered, wrapping his little arms around her legs.

“Is...is he okay?” Neil asked nervously, as Nikki slid behind him, arms hugging her torso tightly.

“He’s acting like my mom did, before her court-ordered medication,” Nurf said, with a surprising note of concern in his voice.

“Kids, you all head over to the mess hall,” Gwen said firmly, running a hand through Dolph’s hair and wiping at his teary eyes. “I think David and I need to have a chat.”

A few minutes later, the Quartermaster had herded all the campers in for an early lunch, and Gwen was leading David over to the pier. Once they were a good distance away from any prying ears, she turned to face her coworker, arms crossed over her chest. “The fuck, David? Max brings up a pretty good point. _Are_ you on something? You spend a full week in bed, then suddenly you’re up before sunrise, tearing apart the cabin, and dragging the kids halfway up a _mountain_? There’s clearly _something_ I need to know about going on here, and I’m getting to the bottom of it.”

David’s foot began to rapidly bounce against the wood of the pier. “No, no no no, I’m not, Gwen, I’m not on anything and that is the _problem_ ,” he said, punctuating the last several words by smacking his fist into an open palm. “I can’t...I, I forgot my dang meds at home, and I haven’t had any for over two weeks, and I’m down, then I’m _up up up_ , then I’ll be down again, and I thought I’d be fine for just the summer, but I’m _not_ , Gwen, I’m really not, and I don’t know if I need to laugh, or cry, or just throw myself in this God damn _lake_!” He threw his hands out towards the aforementioned lake as he finished before furiously rubbing his fingers across his scalp. “It feels like my blood is on fire, and I just need to _move_ , I need to get shit _done_ , Gwen, but I don’t even know what I need to _do_.”

Gwen blinked. “Wow. Um. Okay then. That’s, uh...that’s a lot to unpack at once. First, though, don’t throw yourself in the lake?” she said, nervously rubbing the back of her head. “I kinda need you here. As, uh, a coworker _and_ a friend, ya know?”

David sniffed a little, rubbing at his nose. Aw jeez, maybe he _was_ going to cry now. He didn’t know.

Gwen sat down on the end of the pier, motioning for him to join her. “So, how bad... _were_ you, last week? I feel kinda shitty for not realizing you actually needed some help.”

David plopped down next to Gwen with a sigh. “...Probably should have taken you up on the whole hospital suggestion, honestly. All things considered, the only reason I didn’t go totally off the deep end was that I was too tired to do _anything_ , let alone kill myself,” he muttered, picking at a fingernail.

Gwen swallowed harshly. “Oh...wow. I, uh...really should have questioned what was going on a little more than I did, huh?” David chuckled darkly, nodding in agreement. “So, you live pretty far from camp, right? Far enough you can’t just take a day trip to go get your shit and bring it back?” He nodded again. Several times. Maybe a few more than was necessary, but he still had a brain full of beetles and now he didn’t even have anything to direct all his energy at, so he busied himself swinging his legs back and forth over the water. “Any chance you could get a refill sent up to Sleepy Peaks’ pharmacy?”

He shook his head. “No, it was enough of a fight just getting enough to bring with me for the summer.”

“What if you call your doctor and explain the situation? It’s worth a shot, right?”

“Maybe?” David said, fingers tap-tap-tapping against the pier. “I mean, my insurance company wouldn’t be willing to cover another two-month supply, but I could maybe try finding one of those prescription coupons on my phone; I could probably swing fifty bucks if I could get it down that low,” he let out, all in one breath.

Gwen nodded. “Okay. And since you _clearly_ need these meds so badly, I could throw you another twenty if you need it. So how about we do that? Let’s get you back to the cabin, give your doc a call, and see what we can do for you. All right?”

David sniffed again. “O-okay. We- we can do that.”

His stomach chose that moment to rumble loudly. Gwen snorted. “So when’s the last time you ate something?”

“Uh...did you bring me any soup yesterday? I can’t remember.”

“Yeah, but it was probably a full twenty-four hours ago. C’mon,” she said, standing up and patting the dirt from her shorts. “Let’s go make that phone call and then get you some food.” She held a hand out, helping to pull David to his feet.

David gave a small, shaky smile. “Okay, Gwen,” he said, picking a sliver of wood from his own shorts. “That sounds good.”

As the two turned to head back to camp, they heard a quiet rustling from the bushes. Gwen sighed, casting a quick glance at David. “Come on out, Max,” she called. “We know you're there.”

Max hesitated for a moment before emerging from the treeline. He looked at David for just a second before turning his gaze away, clearly aware he’d heard some things that had not been intended for him. “You wouldn’t really…I mean...you can’t...” he started, before trailing off with a frustrated groan, burying his face in his hands. “You know the camp... _needs_ you. The other kids need you here. Being you. Not...whatever it is that’s going on with you. Right?”

David’s smile got a little bit firmer at that. “I promise I won’t...do anything that bad. Okay, Max? I can’t promise I’ll be back to myself right away, especially if I can’t get what I need, but I can say I’ll do my best to be there for you and all your friends.” He gently clapped the boy on the shoulder, chuckling as Max grumpily pushed his hand away. “Let’s get you back to lunch, okay?”

“Fine,” Max grumbled, turning away from the lake and starting back towards the mess hall. “Just let us actually get some sleep tonight, alright?”

David snickered quietly. “Yeah. I can do that.”


End file.
